Epilogue (one month later)…

(Don’t worry – even though the title of this post may imply some kind of ending, I’m not shutting this blog down.  I’m going to keep it going.  There is a lot of healing to do, after all.  I still have lots of information to share.  There’s a whole new journey going on now.)


It’ll be a month tomorrow afternoon, at 2:19pm CST.  I still remember like it was yesterday, and I probably will for a long time.  I remember the nurse laying a towel on his chest, and wondering what that was for.  Then she pulled the tube out, and I was not prepared for the mixture of foam and dried blood that followed, complete with some kind of odor I’d never smelled before.

I remember being with him, his sister at his other side, as we slowly watched one vital stat after another drop out, then come back then drop out again for good, on the monitor, until all the stats were gone.  They didn’t note the time, 2:19pm.  I did.

He’d let go after I’d thrown my arms around his near-lifeless body and told him that ultimately I did love him (on some level), and that I was sorry for any pain I’d caused him.  It was crucial that I let go.  What they do is up to them.

In the near-month that has transpired since, I’ve had to get very pragmatic about it all and shift the focus to myself and my own survival.  Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs becomes vital when not guaranteed.  Anybody who has left a narcissist knows this; many go to live with family, friends, or at shelters.  It’s all about survival.

My case was slightly different; I’d been in the process of divorce, but I had planned to involve my soon-to-be-ex-now-late-husband in my life.  After all, he would take over the business that we co-owned, and I would become an independent contractor at that business for my own livelihood.

Suddenly, that prospect was gone.  And I had no others.  Suddenly, I had to take the reins of a business that I no longer recognized.

In the past year in which we’d been involved in divorce proceedings, he’d undertaken some measures, in terms of the business.  Some of these measures saved him/us money, and others had cost more, but perhaps saved some time or effort.  Because we’d been in the process of divorce, neither of us had seen the need for him to go over them with me.  So, I didn’t know what kinds of technological services he’d signed up for or what they cost.

During the last week of January I’d found myself in a literal nightmare, with my husband now sedated, a status from which I knew he’d probably never recover.  I felt as though I’d been thrust into a cockpit and hollered at to fly, right now, now now now!, and yet I’d never even been to flight school, so WTF was this idiot yelling at me to fly for??

I’ve been going, going, going, like the Energizer Bunny, putting in 11-12 hour days, 7 days a week, since January 14.  The math is pretty easy, we’re a little over a week away from 2 months.

I think I finally feel like I have something to show for the time, effort, and energy I’ve put forth all this time.  I’m not yet where I need to be, but things are coming along, at least logistically.  And right now, logistics and pragmatism are all I have.  They are all that I can afford to have “count”.

His big, higher-dollar apartment – I’ve got it listed for subletting.  We’ll see how it goes.  If it makes me a small sum of side income each month and doesn’t cause me much headache, I’ll renew the lease in November; otherwise, I’ll let it go.  It’s almost ready for subletting.  The listing is up, with a target date of April 1.

His big office suite – I’m waaaaay behind on rent, but then my name isn’t on the lease.  Jointly-owned equipment is in there, though.  The landlord has been silent, luckily for me.  I’m trying to vacate by mid-month.  Yes, in little over a week.  Yes, it’s a tall order.  I’m an ambitious person.

In order to vacate, I must have a place to move business operations to – that’s my current cozy (cramped but fun and bright and light-vibed) apartment shared with my roommate.  Working remotely is much more of a thing these days, and that easily includes my field, so – awesome!

His various debt – I’m not worrying about it right now.  I’m not making payments on anything that’s 1) not in my name and/or 2) something I need in order to run the business and survive.  Basically, if it doesn’t contribute to my personal or business survival, it’s not happening.

On a different note – the fuzzy-headedness is GONE right now.  I no longer feel like my brain is underwater.  It’s not all roses, dear ones, I do have issues.  I do have memory issues–big ones–where I feel I have to write everything down in multiple places, make tons of to-do lists, schedule everything I have to do in my phone with alerts and alarms, because if I don’t it’ll get completely forgotten about.  But at least I don’t have that extra layer of haze.  I’m distracted a little less easily.

I’ve talked to my late husband a lot.  Yes, out loud.  No, I didn’t care what anyone nearby might’ve thought.  I did literally feel his presence at certain times, especially within the first 1-2 weeks after he passed away.  I absolutely feel like he was helping me.  I got the strong feeling that he felt bad for leaving me with all of this.  Then his presence waned, but I think sometimes he still stops in, and maybe even helps out.

Still leaning on my inner circle, that hasn’t changed.  What has changed is that I’m not necessarily leaning on them for the same things I was before.  I’m leaning on them for different things now.

Days are still jam-packed, but here again, with different tasks.  The tasks evolve and change, which is good.  I’ve experienced some recent frustration in which some tasks had been on my to-do list for 1 to 2 weeks without any progress, and that makes me quite unhappy.  In fact, I melted down yesterday (I’m on the autism spectrum).  I’m patient, to a point.  Beyond that, I get very impatient.  Time to make something happen, chop-chop.  I don’t mind doing work; I hate doing it a second time.  You can imagine how I feel about having to make that same effort a third time.

I’m gradually getting used to this Adulting thing.  I like being able to do things online, like banking and bill-paying.  The part I don’t like is the specificity of the damned passwords you have to create for various accounts (“must contain lowercase and uppercase letters, at least one number and special symbol, and must be 758490275890423 characters long”).

Bullshit.  I think it’s overkill.  The stiffer the rules, the tougher the password is to remember (duh).

I also don’t like how companies make their online portal an excuse for pulling back on their phone support.

Nononono.

I want to talk to a human being, with a pulse, preferably in my native language, so no outsourcing your customer service to India and no insane infinite phone menus or artificial intelligence bots or what-have-you.

I’m.  Not.  Playing.

It’s been a struggle, I won’t lie.  Hell, I might as well have titled this post “Picking Up The Pieces Part II”, dear ones, because that’s what I’ve been doing.  I’ve been trying to plug the holes at the bottom of his/our boat.  I’ve been trying to stop the hemorrhage of money to various entities.  Only then can I focus more on bringing more in for me.

Maslow, after all.

And I know some of you know exactly what I mean.

I’m powering through.  I’m with all of you who are, too.

โค

โค

2 thoughts on “Epilogue (one month later)…

  1. I’ve been thinking about you, Dearest Dude!๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’Œ๐Ÿ’•
    I knew you’d be completely overwhelmed with all the STUFF, so sending love and good vibes is where I left it๐Ÿค—๐Ÿฅฐ
    It’s good to see you come up for air… and vent a little frustration๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜†

    I went through a similar situation when my ex left. He didn’t pass, but he left a huge mess. He’d been running his own landscaping business and he’d crashed his truck and been arrested for DUI before he left. So… no vehicle, left customers hanging, left owing 3 months rent which I didn’t know until I was served with eviction papers… plus he left our home a literal mess. Pregnant Daughter, 13 yr old Younger & I had been staying at my mother’s tiny apartment.
    Anyway… YES!! Big Mess! No brain power for anything except sorting the mess.

    The password thing… UGH! For most things I use a slight variation of the same password ๐Ÿ™Š The exception is Banking or Personal Information type things. Since there are only a few of them, the passwords are easier to remember. But my subscription to one newspaper & my subscription to another have the same password๐Ÿ˜ฒ Billed through PayPal which has a Different/Banking Personal Info password๐Ÿ˜‰ It seriously helps me. I can’t keep 10 passwords in my head, let alone 20, 50, ๐Ÿ˜ฒ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

    I’ll keep sending you the vibes and the love๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿค—๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿงšโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ’ซ๐ŸŽถ๐Ÿง˜๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒŠ๐Ÿฆ‹๐ŸŒป๐ŸŒˆโœจ
    You totally got this! ๐Ÿ’ช ๐Ÿ’Œ๐Ÿ’Œ๐Ÿ’Œ

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much Cosmic Sister!! ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’–. Omg Iโ€™ve been thinking about you too!! Thanks for sharing your story – these stories are really important – others can see that theyโ€™re not alone ๐Ÿ˜

    Overwhelm is right on, perfect description. The office was a physical mess, so was the garage, so were the bedroom and bathroom closets, you get the idea. His phone and computers were technological messes, too many apps spread out across too many pages/screens. Too much technology. His finances were/are a mess, too – the debt, also multiple accounts, moving money around, etc

    Iโ€™m so glad your password system works!!

    Thank you so very much for sending your warm and encouraging vibes!! ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿžโœจ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿฅฐ๐ŸŒดโ˜ฎ๏ธ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿฆ‹๐Ÿ•‰โฃ๏ธ๐ŸŒต๐ŸŒธ๐Ÿ€๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒฎ๐Ÿป๐Ÿท๐Ÿ˜

    Like

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