I always thought that my healing would come slowly. Over the course of years, instead of weeks and months. Maybe I would get lucky and have a breakthrough moment every week or month.
But no, much more has happened–and much faster–than that.
Once again, I find myself in a situation that is surreal and unexpected. Once again, I feel like the Energizer Bunny, attempting superhuman feats, kicking some ass and taking a few names.
Adrenaline helps. That tends to flow wholesale when you’re stuck between jagged rocks and very-hard places. If ever there was an antidote to burnout, stagnation, boredom, or a wayward course of life, it’s a situation like that.
Ten days after writing my last post, I fulfilled that tall order I’d spoken of then. I busted my butt (and that of my roommate, god(dess) bless him) and I did indeed vacate that physical office by the deadline…and the skin of someone else’s teeth.
It cost me a few finger joints (I’m on the hypermobility spectrum, so splints are involved), but I’ll live.
What came after that…that’s when the magic happened. (How cool is it that I can talk about magic now??)
I did indeed move my business operations to that cozy home office. Well, actually the equipment straddles the home office and half my roommate’s bedroom, bless his soul. It was a bit of a marathon, not a sprint, and it’s still in progress. Slowly but surely, I’m condensing the necessary data of three desktop computers into one. I’ve converted the ethernet-only printer to one that sees the WiFi network with the stroke of a router device. I’m slowly-but-surely getting my procedures in place and operational. My life now, it’s all very action-oriented. I’m very grateful for the strength and stamina and renewed sense of passion.
I won’t reveal too much about my field or my job, but suffice it to say that I have indeed found that renewed sense of passion, dear ones. I love working with my clientele. I love that I get to work with them more directly than ever before.
While I do miss–and grieve for–my would-be-ex on some level (or multiple levels), I do love running my own show. I love being in business for myself, by myself. I love that not only am I in the loop, I am the loop.
There are no Cluster B (narcissistic or psychopathic or sociopathic) individuals holding me back, weighing me down, doubting me, restricting me, influencing me, or inhibiting me. I feel more liberated now, more capable and independent and knowledgeable and empowered.
I realize now that during the last few years, when I was feeling especially burned out in my field, much of that may very well have come from him. I had not felt supported, complimented, or validated. I knew then that I was extremely productive, and that my products were excellent quality and visual appeal. I didn’t need anyone to tell me that; I already knew it.
But it would’ve been nice to have his support, to have his validation, to hear his compliments, and to know that he had my back. I would’ve been nice to feel like we were truly in this together as I had intended us to be (and assumed he’d felt the same).
Now, I’m several years older yet. I’ve gone through that much more stressful and damaging events yet. I’ve got several years’ more wear and tear. You’d think I would be that much more burnt out now.
But actually, the opposite has happened. I feel renewed, rejuvenated. I feel easygoing and flexible, as opposed to rigid and authoritative. I’m relaxed and personal instead of insisting on boundaries that were actually firmer than they ever needed to be. I now work for myself and enjoy the fruits of my labor alone. My wings are spreading, preparing for takeoff.
I am free.
Every responsibility is mine, and every task falls on me to do. One would think that that might stress me out, weigh me down, or fire up my anxiety. But the truth is, it does exactly the opposite. Psychopathic and narcissistic people are really peculiar about money, and they often engage in horrendous deception surrounding finances. I am fortunate that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. What I make is mine. Where it goes is mine. The decisions surrounding what I do with it are mine.
It’s the situation I always wanted. NOT his death, mind you (hell no!), but I’m a silver-lining kinda person, and I try to see them where I can.
It didn’t take long to see these. I’m actually surprised by how quickly it happened.
I am absolutely not making light of my would-be-ex’s death. I do know that my own life goes on, and what happens from here on depends on what I make it to be. I feel a revitalized sense of strength and confidence now. I have one job, and that’s to rise to the challenges I face. He is elsewhere now, on the other side, with is own set of tasks to do. I don’t talk to him much anymore, because I don’t want to distract either of us or hold either of us back, preventing us from doing what we need to do.
I’m nowhere near finished building my business. It isn’t even quite where I want it to be, but it’s showing signs of heading in that direction, and that in itself is exciting.
I’ve achieved a significant amount of healing. It happened in a way that I never anticipated. I thought I would continue along the path that I had been, with meditation, yoga, Qigong, and NET. I thought it would be about self-care and structures and routines.
Instead, every workday has been very different, fluid and flexible. I can turn and shift gears on a dime, ready for anything, depending on what my clientele needs. I enjoy the variety. I enjoy the balance between structure and versatility. I love that everything I need is within 642 square feet. I value simplicity.
I know my path is very unorthodox. I also know that as optimistic and bright as all of this sounds, there is more to come. I know I face more heavy stuff over the next few years.
I know I’m not done yet.
None of us are ❤