I know it’s been a long time, gorgeous ones. There’s more to do than I have time–and can remember–to do, so I end up not getting to do everything, and then I feel a bit guilty and sheepish until I remind myself that I’m human, after all.
The past several weeks have felt like being stuck in mud, grinding gears and attempting to “give it a little gas” to get unstuck and gain traction, with fruitless results.
The name of the game is the waiting game these days. Waiting on attorneys for the latest revision of the divorce decree. Waiting on my soon-to-be-ex to provide needed information. Waiting for a response and verdict on the job application. Waiting on everybody to call you back or respond to that text or email. Waiting for a while to send another, lest you come across as unreasonable or demanding.
In the meantime, the same ol’ same ol’ continues, in a process, the speed of which could be described as digestive. I move personal items over to my soon-to-be-new-abode (with my neuro-brother) in occasional chunks. I clean and organize the newly-brought items so that the place doesn’t end up resembling a storage shed.
I nag my STBX again and again, spacing it out across too-patient intervals. I change my last name prematurely on accounts at stores where nothing needs to be legal or official, because it’s one less change to have to make later. I continue planning ahead and training in my hopefully-soon-to-be new career field.
I keep petting my kitties and being Present with them. I keep hanging out with friends, who could be better-described as spirit-family. I continue visiting my parents regularly. I keep up with a newly-met group of friends who’ve all gone through divorce before. And I keep my distance from my STBX.
I continue to watch documentaries that feature psychopathy, because in trying to protect yourself and prevent yourself from ever getting entangled with one again, you can never see too many instances of a real-life psychopath. Every person is different, and not all psychopaths look alike.
And I think the various repairs on my truck have all finally been addressed (the latest was the windshield, the crack in which was growing at a speed not so digestive).
I know the progress seems minimal now, hovering just above zero degrees Kelvin, if I’m being generous. And I know that any day now, I will receive that latest revision and there will be a reflexive flurry of activity needed on my end. And I know that someday soon, it will all be over, the entire process in my rearview mirror.
Healing on the inside is like a graduate university program. I’m still striving to meet my prerequisites, which of course include exterminating the dark cloud of being bound to him, even if in name only (and my situation encompasses more than that), from my environment and my life.
It’s that image in my head, that visualization of being free, liberated and lightened, that I hold onto in my head. It keeps me going, somehow self-propelled forward, even after my eyes glaze over and my brain powers down for the day.
I do know that someday soon, I will have more to report and more to process. 🙂
Until next time, gorgeous ones, keep on keeping on. ❤