It’s actually been five weeks since the breakup, and a month and a day since I began this blog (already??). I’d say time flies, but it doesn’t always. Some of the weekend days drag on for much longer than they probably should.
While the past is the past and all that, I find it important to reflect on Then vs Now and note–and appreciate–the differences, the progress, the milestones.
A month ago today was my first real breakthrough. In the five days up until that point, I was acutely grieving and in immense pain. My heart chakra was in shambles. I broke down sobbing every few hours (or less), and I wandered aimlessly, vulnerable, lost, and wondering what to do with myself.
The breakthrough in question came about through a Neuro-Emotional Technique (NET) session that brought to the surface all of the abuse and awful treatment I’d suffered at the hands of my ex – the stonewalling (silent, intimidating stares), the hostility, the rage, the occasional yelling, even two broken plates (his, not mine), the threats, the round-and-round conversation, the irrationality, the coldness, the harshness, the distance, the power trips, the vagueness, the lies, the refusal to apologize, the resistance to advice, the inability to listen, the disrespect…I think the list goes on even longer.
The NET session on that sixth day kind of kicked things off in a positive direction for me, sending me spiraling upward, not down, opening doors and presenting opportunities. I seized every chance to level up. The direction had changed; the course had been reset, the compass recalibrated.
Many more NET sessions, several counseling/psychotherapy sessions, a gazillion videos, and one No Contact week later, I can honestly say I’ve some distance, some clarity, some objectivity, and quite a bit of healing already. It didn’t just come, gorgeous ones, not even through the sessions and videos; I had to work to earn it. I had to work hard.
I’ve observed that one reaps what one sows, and I’m trying to sow like hell. And I think I’ve reaped some gains, too. This post is a tribute of gratitude to those.
I have found, since the breakup on the evening of 9/17/2020, that certain things have happened. One of these is that I’m more emotionally stable. No longer are my emotions tied to how my now-ex feels or what kind of day he’s having. No longer do I walk on eggshells, praying that everything stays perfect throughout the day so that he remains warm and loving. No longer do I dread the ring of his work phone or some other upset that would assuredly trash the entire rest of the evening.
I also shed fewer tears. Before I met him, I cried maybe a handful of times a year. Once we got together, the tears came almost daily/nightly, for one reason or another, and often in several rounds over different things – things he said or did, or his demeanor toward me. These days, now that I’ve processed much of the (at least the acute) grief, I shed tears for only two reasons – 1) an emotional release during NET, which is actually quite desirable and healthy to do, and 2) about once a week when my need for affection clashes with my husband’s inability/unwillingness to give it.
I’ve noticed a serious uptick in creativity. I rarely blogged before, during my relationship with my ex; now, well, you can see that I’m blogging fairly regularly again. Obviously I feel motivated by this particular topic, but hey–I’m still blogging! While in my relationship, I still felt motivated to blog, but I was so cognitively fatigued that I could not form any thoughts, and too emotionally fatigued to care.
I realize that I feel less confusion. Life is pretty straightforward now, without constant exposure to a Word-Salad Pro. On top of that, I’m becoming more independent and less codependent, focusing on myself more, and attempting to decode others less.
I have become more self-reliant. Unlike before, I am now doing all my own cooking. I have undertaken a massive housecleaning project. I admire my own work at the office and also my own personal creations, and I know that they’re decent, without anyone telling me so (obviously I still appreciate your feedback – Likes and Comments, gorgeous ones! 🙂 ). I’m beginning to explore options to become financially self-sufficient, and I realize that I’m going to have to work hard to achieve that. It’s coming; I’ll be ready.
I feel less worry/anxiety. No longer am I hinging my wellbeing from moment to moment on how long it takes my ex to reply to my last text in a conversation. I don’t feel any need to “check up” on his social media (Facebook) behavior. I no longer worry about whether or not his dysfunctional narcissistic ex is still blocked. I no longer cower and attempt to soothe, because there is no more rage.
You can probably tell from this post that I’ve become more productive. Not only in my personal life with blogging and cleaning and cooking, but also in professional life. I haven’t shifted into professional high-gear just yet, but the plans have been laid, and I reckon that may begin next week.
I’ve become more diversified in terms of my activities. I’m not just hanging out with my ex, cuddling (which I still do miss) and watching TV (the same show binge-watched in its entirety), or going out to the same rotation of restaurants. Although I enjoyed all of those activities and still do partake in them, that’s not all I do. Blogging, learning to cook, cleaning, hanging out with other friends, texting much more often with still others, downloading music, reading blogs, talking on the phone with some people, petting the fur-kids, schmoozing some with my husband (when he’s feeling well enough), and googling information are all excellent pre-relationship pastimes from which I’d been distracted before, that are all coming back online now.
I find that I’m less fixated/preoccupied–with trying to help, attempting to soothe, needing that “fix” of him, checking up on him, reviewing past conversations (good and bad) with him, and so on.
Slowly, I’m my cognition is getting slightly sharper and my executive function slightly smoother. I still forget a lot of things, especially when leaving the house or going about my day, but I remember much more now than I did before. The human mind only processes one thing at a time, dear ones, so one thing dominates your mind, other things can’t enter. Since my mind was always on him, whether the feeling was positive or negative, a lot of things slipped my mind. I might forget my water, my wallet, my phone, and so on; now I tend to remember.
Last but not least, I feel much more motivated. Three and a half years ago, long before my extramarital relationship began, I felt tired, on a soul level. It wasn’t a physical need to sleep, and my mind was restless enough, but I didn’t want to have to go through life anymore. I wasn’t about to make a suicide attempt, but if I came down with a life-threatening disease, I wouldn’t have fought it.
Once the relationship began, I had another reason to live, and I truly felt alive…for several months. After that honeymoon period, however, as the relationship began to decay, not only was I soul-tired again, but I was also emotionally exhausted and even more cognitively fatigued than I had been before. I described my state with words like “spent”, “fatigued”, “exhausted”, and “tapped out”. I remember saying that I’ve given everything I have, and I have nothing more to give.
It’s a sad and bleak state, sweetness. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but unfortunately, chances are that there are some of you who might be able to relate.
Over the past two weeks, I feel like I’ve actually found my purpose. Two purposes, actually: one professional and one personal, the latter of which involves another breakthrough, which is the shifting of the healing focus solely to myself. Both are projects, and long-term at that. Neither will happen overnight, and both are likely to take a couple/few years.
That’s okay. I feel a gradual recharging of energy, and a definite renewal of motivation to keep going. Statements pop into my head such as “I’m not done yet”, “I’m excited to keep going”, “I’ve got more work to do”, and “bring it on”.
I’d probably better be careful what I wish for 😉
But here we go… ❤