One foot in each camp

Here comes the point in my journey when things get tricky.  The devil on my shoulder tries to trick me into a higher level of contact, trying to convince me that it’s okay, I’m strong enough to handle an hour beside each other at the pool.  The devil is devilish, all right, flashing that devilish grin, nudging me to just go on and do it.

And today, I admit, I listened.  Unfortunately, he still looks beautiful.  Fortunately, the poolside sun was bright enough that I had an excuse to keep my eyes closed most of the time.  But that voice, oh, that voice.

It’s amazing what lulls us back, right?

But the question is, did I get lulled back?  No.  There was no romantic rekindling, no loving/longing gaze, no adoration.  It was all very arms-length, or perhaps even more distant than that.

I wanted to do a trial run – to see if I could see him and hear him and not become addicted and devastated all over again.

The good news, is that I was not devastated.  I did not backslide into my grieving process.  I can’t even detect having been knocked off-kilter or somehow destabilized.

So, yes.  I saw him.  No, I didn’t break down and cry, nor did I plead with him, negotiate with him, nor did I even want him back.  I do still love him, although in a much different way from before.

Although the love is much less intense and much less intimate, my days are still preoccupied by him.  Whether or not he texted me.  Whether or not he read my response.  The good news is, I don’t check social media or Hangouts much anymore to monitor his activity.  It’s not even much of an exercise in willpower; it’s more of an exercise in genuine disinterest.

Texting is my weak point.  I can’t bring myself to block him entirely.  I can’t bring myself to cut him completely out of my life.  Not yet, anyway.  Perhaps I will at some point in my healing journey.  Maybe there will come a time when I say “I don’t need that person in my life anymore at all”, and that will be the end of it.  That has happened before, so there is hope.

When texting, though, I do have to make the conscious effort to keep one eye on the time and the other eye on my to-do list, to make sure I’m accomplishing what I set out to do.  Otherwise, it’s easy to get sucked back in, losing all sense of time and purpose, and before you know it, gorgeous ones, your entire world becomes them.

Oh yes, I know.

The difficult part (and sticking point is), why?  Why this person?  This person has said and done horrible things, and they have proven that, in their unpredictable bouts of stress and rage, they don’t care about anyone or anything.  All emotions go out the window when they’re angry, whether that anger comes from a traffic snarl or an incompetent coworker, including their love for you.  So, you pay for something you had absolutely nothing to do with causing.

And yet, we often continue to allow them a place in our lives.

Why?

I think I have a reason.  I stumbled onto something today, known as “peptide addiction“.  To summarize, our brain produces peptides in response to emotions, and these peptides act on our cells.  Our cells respond, and these peptides end up changing the chemistry of our cells, wiring our bodies and brains to want more of the same peptide.  Different emotions produce different peptides, but whether a peptide is made in response to a good or bad emotion makes no difference to our cells; they can become addicted to any peptide, even that which stemmed from a negative feeling, such as being abused.

I know I make tons of peptides in response to love and affection, but I’m not sure if I make them in response to abuse.  Are my brain and body now addicted to abuse?

Maybe so, maybe not.  A case could be made for each.  The case that I might be addicted to abuse may consist of the fact that despite how poorly this person has treated me, I’ve gone back to him at times, and I still maintain contact with him, eventually desiring a friendship.  The case that I might not be addicted, however, involves my calling him out when he says dysfunctional things.

I think the case for the former might actually be a little stronger of one.  Why?  Because I responded in the first place to the unkind things he said two days ago, when I should have simply ignored, silenced, or blocked him.  He was still angry yesterday morning, and he actually said “What makes a friendship with you worth waiting weeks to months for, when I could make new friends instantly elsewhere?  What makes you so special?”

Well good morning to you, too.

Sure, he was raging.  It’s still no excuse.  I’m done making excuses.  I did respond, saying something like “if you don’t know already, you don’t deserve my friendship”.  Later, he watched a video that told an anecdote that made an impact on him, and between that and a couple other events, he calmed down and seemed rather jovial that night.

Well okay then.

I went about my day, doing my thing, responding but not reacting.  There is indeed a difference.  I responded, but with indifference.  At least I have reached the point where snide comments don’t jerk me around emotionally.

Yet, I’m still addicted.  And now I’m at the point where I realize that, I realize why, and I’m trying to figure out how to break it.  I do know that attempting to go through the logical brain to accomplish this does not work very well.  That’s the long, hard, slow road, and apparently, there’s a faster, easier, more efficient, and more thorough one.

That road is called quantum healing, and it has been used for mental, emotional, and physical ailments.  Apparently there is some cutting-edge research behind it, published in medical journals and all that.  Quantum healing involves tapping into the subconscious, which governs like 95% of our lives, and that’s where the most efficient healing takes place.

Quantum healing is not a single modality, it’s more of a family of mind-body therapies, and several modalities fit the bill.  Maybe Neuro-Emotional Technique (NET) “counts” as quantum healing, I’m not sure.  I haven’t been able to find anything specific either way.

However, I do know that it does tap into the subconscious; emotions detected during an NET session are often ones I was not even aware of, nor was I aware of the connection between the current and previous events that were triggering the emotions.  NET can get pretty esoteric, but it has been a lifeline for me, and a definite must-do.  It breaks these connections and releases you from the emotion you’re locked into, so that you can stand more solidly on your own.  Thus, I think it does count.

My own NET sessions have taken on a “progression” through various emotions.  My first session (9/19) yielded the emotions of “Vulnerable/easy to hurt” in the context of a “Male friend”, and then “Hesitance” (stemming from a second trimester in utero fear of leaving my mother’s womb), with an emotional release and redness in acupuncture points that didn’t even have needles (so then he needled them, too).

The second NET session (9/21) didn’t yield anything, so he did acupuncture on grief points, and that yielded an emotional release.

The third session (9/23) was the biggie – “Male friend”; “Disdain” (treating me badly), then “Anger”, then “Vulnerable/lost”, with the former yielding the mega 15-minute emotional release.  Yes, I literally sobbed for 15 minutes straight, drenching two tissues.  And then came a turning point that has never regressed.

The following session (9/28) found “Self” (as opposed to male friend) through body entry (cervical disc), and “Paralyzed will”, and that’s where I had been angry and frustrated with my brain function (I’ve been very forgetful for years, and this intensified during my relationship with him), yielding a mild-moderate emotional release.

Yesterday’s session was “Male friend” and “Galled/annoyed”, and then “Disgrace/losing respect for someone”, with a barely-there emotional release.  In other words, he began to annoy me, and I lost some respect for him, perceiving him as more of an immature coward.

I also saw a mention (also within the context of quantum healing) of meditation while listening to certain music, achieving a specific brain-wave state known as Theta waves.  I’ll be looking more into that, too, of course, and I’ll write about anything I find.

So yes, I realize that I’m in a sort of heart-limbo right now.  My situation is a mixture of yin and yang, light and dark, progress/letting go and holding on.  Buddhist videos on letting go might come in handy for this, too.

2 thoughts on “One foot in each camp

  1. As long as you TRULY keep your focus on you and not trying to help/fix/understand him you’ll do okay. Very very few people have been able to break completely away and go full no-contact right away. It generally takes a few trial runs before one is DONE.

    That’s my experience and what I know from talking to others.

    Stay strong… and eye open! 💕💖💕🦋🤗🥰🌠💃🏼✨🌈💌

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Cosmic Sis!! Very true. He’s on his own journey; I support that, but I’m watching, always. And refusing to get too close. I told him to give me more time, keep working on him, *for* him. I reminded him that I could die tomorrow in some wreck, and he should still keep going no matter what. And I left it at that 👍.

      And yep, that’s my experience with previous narcissists, too. This one may turn out the exact same, or it might turn out differently. I’m not investing any emotions in it either way 💪. Not hanging my hat on anything having to do with him. Just working on me, *for* me 😁💖🌷❣️🌸🍀🌟☮️✨🌈🕉😎🦋

      Liked by 1 person

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